no matter who you are, you want to fuck alex vause
(Source: chanwooksus)
- Bae: babe come over
- Me: I just put my bagel bites in the oven
- Bae: my parents aren't home
- Me: I literally just put them in the oven
What’s your opinion on using animals for science?
We have prisons full of child molesters so I don’t know why we continue to test on animals
I couldn’t have thought of a more perfect response
(Source: sixpenceee)
liquor before beer youre in the clear
beer before liquor youll be okay dont be a little bitch
(Source: screenspender)
do you ever just realize how bad your voice sounds
(Source: silabus-archive)
i am so threatened by pretty girls they are terrifying
i can almost feel myself getting stupider as this semester drags on
*more stupid
well there ya go
(Source: stability)
(Source: tripolarbear)
black licorice isn’t a candy it’s a punishment
i frigging. LOVE my hair being touched sooo SO much and it never happens but oh ym god if you massage my head and play with my hair i will literally start purring like a cat
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father
“Well son, now that you’ve got a kid of your own, I think it’s time to give you this”
“Dad, you don’t mean-”
“Yes son, I do” *Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition*
“Dad… I’m honoured…”, he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
“Hi honoured”, replies his father. “I’m dad”.
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